i d!= dream

CSC camp has finally ended... felt like i could breathe again... couldnt smile at all thru the camp... really dissappointed with myself... while we aim to make this camp the best experience for the freshies... i dun think this camp has become a very good experience for me... where had the cheerful me who kept on smiling last cac camp gone to??? this time i'm juz totally dissappointed with the camp... and juz as i'm finally thought i could cheer up a little during the last day, some one juz had to spoil it... damn it! the person has already spoilt my whole camp, why cant he juz let me be happy for the last day? i really tried very hard to keep my temper down during the camp... but the only thing which i cant do is to smile all the time... i look at other ppl who are so happy during the camp... i really felt very very upset.... thru out the camp ppl kept on asking me to go rest... coz they look at my face and tot i'm really tired... but no!!!! i'm not tired at all... i'm juz fed up... upset... angry.... watever.... come on... i've survived thru worst camp who din even let us sleep... wat makes me unable to take it now? i really wanted this camp to be a wonderful camp not juz for the freshies but also for myself loh... i want to enjoy the camp... have fun thru out... but somehow i think i'll juz give up... i dun even want to care abt anything.... if not for i'm the akc of the group and i think that the groups welfare is the most important responsibility to me in the camp, i wont even make the honey water, make the freshie take pi pa gao and help them do this and that....oh ya... i wont even cheer with them... the whole thing is juz a mess up thing for me.... i'm juz glad that i fulfilled my job requirement and did a great job in fact... but i'm really sorry to the group that i din give my best... i kind of had a withdrawal from everything... but i had to thank the freshies for voting me as the best councilor for the group... but i'm really sorry that i dun feel happy that i got that award... coz it make someone feel dissappointed and i really felt trapped in the middle... wat am i suppose to do? i din forced them to vote for me wad... i rather they had vote for somebody else instead... then the very least i can cheer myself up for the last day of the camp... it's already the last day and i cant have my peace...... idiot................haiz........ sianz lah.......... dun want to continue leh... make me even more sianz........ hopefully cac camp can enjoy....

went for cac trials today... by rite it's suppose to start at 9... but it only starts at 1030... had to wait in the grandstand... felt like an idiot.. waste my time... game finally started but they took us to the wrong station. had to wait for sometime before they can decide and make us move to the correct station. today's sun is really terrible.. my toes had the burning sensation halfway through the trials... it's even worst then sentosa trials yesterday with csc... and i din put sun block today... shoulders and neck is now very red... and my feet had the marks of my sandals... and the ICs had to make long "discussion" while all of us is standing on the chairs under the big hot sun... my head is already spinning le loh... yesterday had sentosa trials already one whole day spent... and not much excess energy left... today they make us stand under the sun... it's really killing me... it also brought out my agressive nature... got really agressive during the dog and tail game... felt so bad towards the two opponents... sorry sorry... i really not on purpose one... juz got really fed up with the management and organisation... haiz....... and i'm really pissed and angry with liyan... yes, i know it was me last time who asked u to be the kc... but pls do not forget that u had agree to it urself too... u can for all u want reject me... and make us find another kc... it's very irritating that u have to keep on saying that it's all my fault that i got u into all this trials shitty business... and besides keep on saying it to my face, u had to go around and tell others also... it's really getting on my nerves now... i may not have express my unhappiness but that doesnt mean i like wat u say... if u dun stop soon, my dear friend... i think i may explode... i've been trying to keep my temper down le... it's really very upsetting when u keep on saying it's my fault that i drag u into the camp as kc... and seriously everytime u say that it makes me go depress for a long long time... i may still look and tok cheerfully but seriously that is all act... and whenever i go high, it's really the beginning to a very long period of down-ness.... i may be very enthu all of a sudden, and start toking all sorts of nonsense to make everyone happy, but that doesnt mean i'm happy... i think i can really act... someday maybe i shld go audition in tcs... anyway, back to today... i'm sure liyan also got pissed that i keep on saying i want to leave... but i cant be bothered... wat a great fren i am rite? kicked myself... eve din even complain yesterday when she went down to pei liyan... argh..........irritating me......... went home after the trials, bought the game with lots of puzzle... wait for bryan to come and play with me on thurs... got home and went online for a while... felt tired and down so decided i shld got take a nap... juz so great that bryan had to call and ask me why i want to sleep... and then he had to say becoz u're a pig... great! fine! damn it... since u got the answer already, why on earth did u call and ask me? i rather u keep it to urself can? ok, maybe i'm too sensitive... but i'm seriously not in a very good mood to hear all the nonsense that they are pouring into my head........ and i had to act as if i'm fine, i'm ok... for a very obvious reason... i'm not fine, i'm not ok! i'm so not in the mood for everything now... and i vowed i will not attend anymore cac camp trials! never! maybe i shld even pull out from the camp! damn it! i'm so sorry that i had to blog such unhappy things... but it's really a way for me to let out all my stress...

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now i will never believe wat our parents tell us......... they tell us that we shld nv do anything against the law but they dun even obey it themselves....... dun tell me that when u break the law when u are driving is not breaking the law!!!!! and it's ok that u endanger the lives of all the other ppl in the car........ coz u are driving and u know wat u are doing......... wat the hell!!!!! if u drink, u jolly well dont drive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wld rather take a cab home then to endure the dangerous driving... and dun say i din give u support................. of coz i wont support u!!!!! am i crazy or wat?????? u endangered my life and i am suppose to support u for that? wat the hell......... no way! i'm juz angry angry angry............. and dun give crap excuses to say why u shld be the one driving........ i dun care abt driving the car at all............ i rather take bus mrt or cab then take a car which is driven by someone who had drank........ and in fact drank quite a lot....... and pls......... red wine is also alcohol........... there's no difference............. i'm juz lucky that nothing happen on the way back......... R$^W%$%$#^%#^%&#$#%$#%%^&&$!#$!#~@#@$#$$!$$#^#$^^&%^^$$#

Song: Vonda Shepard

I like the way you wanted me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you needed me
Every time things got rocky

I was believing in you
Am I mistaken do you say,
Do you say what you mean
I want our love to last forever

But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

I like the way you'd hold me
Every night for so long baby
And I like the way you'd say my name
In the middle of the night
While you were sleeping

I was believing in you
Was I mistaken
Do you mean, mean what you say
When you say our love could last forever

Well I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

(Bridge)
You would run around and lead me on forever
While I wait at home thinking that we're together
I wanted our love to last forever

Well I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

din blog for quite sometime le... dunno wat to tok abt... hahaha... anyway, realise that i only blog when i dun feel rite... like when i feel sad or wad... or is it that i only feel sad and no emotion that's why i dun tok abt happy thing?
anyway, i'm really upset now... juz felt very mentally drained... and no one seems to take wat i'm saying seriously... when i'm telling the truth that i dun feel rite, no one seem to care... i told my friends i may break down... they dun seem to get it... i told him i'm mentally tired... he seem to think i'm joking...
no no no... i am not joking or acting... i'm seriously not in the mood for anything... i dun want trials, outings, watever........................................ and i'm only acting that i'm very onz so as not to affect other ppl's mood... sometimes i really felt that the more i laugh, the more upset i am....... it's been such a long time that i last felt like i want to cry... i dun even felt like crying for r/s stuff... but now i dunno why... i want to cry... and i'm crying... is it bcoz of the many things that happen recently? i dunno why but i keep on have this feeling of 委屈.... weird......... but i cant explain it also........ maybe i'm having a depression... everything is juz so weird now...... i can even explain my own emotions............. wat the %^$%$&%@$#^% grrr.........................