Wednesday, December 22, 2004
I AM NOT A SUPERWOMAN....
Cried yesterday... dont want to cry one but cant help it... lack of sleep the previous nite... then early morning drove down to woodlands to collect products from sponsors... was relying on liyan to give me direction but she juz keep on telling me to go straight go straight... maybe she din know how scared i am... it's afterall the first time i drove so far without my dad supervising.. and i really dunno the road... in fact i wrote down the details on a piece of paper for liyan and ask her to follow the street directory but she din... she say what trust our 直觉.. but that's really not my style... and i stayed up late the previous nite to check the whole route loh... ppl sleep liao but i still fliping the directory to get the best route.. but in the end nv use at all... juz kept on driving straight.. in the end when i see the road sign show johor... i was so scared loh... wat if i drive to the checkpt there? but the only direction i get is "go straight go straight"... furthermore, it's not easy to drive that little manual van loh... the speedometer is spoilt... i dun even know wat speed i'm going... but luckily we finally reached back hall safely... but by then when i'm back... i'm really tired... i dun want to make any call... i muz say something here... let it out... so that i will feel better... I HATE TO CALL ANY UNKNOWN PEOPLE... (PPL I DUNNO!) that's why i always try to siam from making calls for xqrj marketing.. unless it's really cannot be avoided.. that's the same even for JamX... that's why it's hard for me to call for potential judges... it always take me so much .. to prepare myself for the calls... i muz admit that's wrong of me to be like that... that i shld be responsible for watever that i'm required to do... but making calls is really something i hate to do... i dun mind doing other stuff... watever stuff u want me to do also can... but dun make me make calls...
kk, back to yesterday.... so after the drive went back to JCRC room... suppose to make call but i really cant do it... coz i'm in a really foul mood... no mood to call anyone at all... i cant force myself to speak in those nice nice voice... so i juz sit ard... then liyan say " if u dont want to make call then u go back to ur room to sleep.. dont sit ard doing nothing.. that doesnt help." that hurt me alot loh.... IT HURTS!... it's not that i want to sit ard doing nothing.. but i really not in the mood to force myself to speak so nicely to ppl anymore.... and i have no idea of wat exactly is the point of me calling... i was so pissed that i did exactly wat she suggested... went back to my room and sleep loh... curl up in my bed... and forced myself to sleep... dun care abt anything else le... even when kim kheng called ask me go tea i juz 'em em em' and then say i dun want to eat... i know there is a photoshot.. but i dun want to go at all loh... i want to sleep through it... then liyan called say they taking photo liao... want me to go down immediately... no choice then i pulled myself up and went over loh... then halfway she called again and tell me that they starting already want me to run over... i already told her i'm walking over liao loh... but she juz kept on 'chui'ing me... got so pissed that i juz hung up her phone... when i reach, juz nice make it into the photoshot... though i smiled for the photos... (i'm so fake) but after that i cant force myself to continue loh... then ppl started asking me if i'm alrite.. then i forced myself to smile and reply "oh.. i'm fine" which is not true... coz i'm really upset... the prelims finish very early.. so we went to SCRC room for debrief... din want to tok to anyone so i juz sat at a corner alone... hoping that no one will notice me... when ppl came close i juz pretend that nothing's wrong... but i guess my face show something's wrong.. coz i juz sat there stoning... so after the pizza session i juz walk back to my room loh... on the way back i began to cry... actually cried a bit in SCRC room liao.. but i quickly rub away before anyone notice it... i dun want anyone to know... then on the way back i really cannot take it le... juz began to let tears slip down... finally reached my room and let myself into the room... then i sat beside the door and continue crying... again i'm kind of curled into a ball... juz realise this.. whenever i'm feeling low or wat.. i'll juz curl into a ball.... when i was crying i actually wanted to hide below the table.. but under my table got lots of stuff... so i cant... another thing i realise... when i'm sad or wat, i'll try to hide under something... hide ppl... so that ppl cant see me... kind of like in my own world like that...
hmmm.. juz sat on the floor and cry and cry... then kim kheng came and saw me... she sat down also and tok to me... then she say she admire me for been able to manage my time so well, like superwoman like that... but she din know being a superwoman is something that i dun want to be rite from the start.. i felt that a lot of times it's as though i'm being forced by the situation to take charge of the many things.. but i would rather be a 小女人 and dunno abt everything...
i really envy lokman they all... so carefree... nothing to restrict them at all... well back to me and kim kheng in the roon.. i know she dunno how to 安慰 me so to stop her from worrying, i suggest that we go make 汤圆 for xqrj ppl... forced myself to pretend that everything is fine.. and began to make the 汤圆 dough from the powder... then my head called to say they going to collect the duck rice.. i dont want to drive them so i ask them to get jack to drive instead... then after they collected the duck rice... i agreed to drive them to sembawang to return th equipment... think the drive make me cheer up a bit... coz i had to talk to ppl... finally got to the place.. then found that the place got lots of band room with ppl practicing... meet the incharge.. a very funny guy.. hahahaha... he actually tot me and liyan were sister... hahaha.. then after my head finish toking to him then i 'charp' in and ask him if he's interested to be judge for JamX... but then he say his standard not so good.. so i ask him if he got anyone to introduce.. hahaha. then he gave me a telephone no to look for eddie.. someone he said is the best guitarist in singapore.. but he say eddie may charge lah... so i alos not sure if can get or not... but nvm, at least i got the hp no... will try calling... hopefully the person will agree...
went back to hall to eat 汤圆and dinner... then make up with liyan... coz i felt my reaction was really kind of spoilt... actually i also dunno why i cried... i juz feel so sad and piss and.... juz not feeling good at all... but it's not liyan's fault... so the way i treat her is wrong...
anyway, yesterday nite came home and eat my mom's 汤圆... think it's so much nicer than the one i make... then today in a tired tired mood.. so i din go back hall...suppose to one.. but i juz cannot take it... decided to rest at home... juz felt that there's no way i'm going to make any calls... i'm so sick of it...
hmmm... finally finish my whiny post le... complain finish le... shall tok abt other stuff...
hahhaa... yesterday came home a found 3 xmas cards on my table.. hahahaa.. quite happy to receive xmas cards but then this yr i nv sent out any....=P well... so now i've got xmas cards from jasmine, yalai, huijuan and chuanyang... hhahahaa... quite surpise to get chuanyang's xmas card... very cute one... but anyway, juz a big thank you to ppl who sent me xmas card!~ thank you thank you.... know i very bad nv sent any to other ppl but then merry xmas to everyone k!!!~ and ppl take care... haven got chance to see a lot of my friends during this hols.. but then i want to let u all know i miss u all a lot!!~ u all had been really good friends... and i hope to see u all more often... :)
Cried yesterday... dont want to cry one but cant help it... lack of sleep the previous nite... then early morning drove down to woodlands to collect products from sponsors... was relying on liyan to give me direction but she juz keep on telling me to go straight go straight... maybe she din know how scared i am... it's afterall the first time i drove so far without my dad supervising.. and i really dunno the road... in fact i wrote down the details on a piece of paper for liyan and ask her to follow the street directory but she din... she say what trust our 直觉.. but that's really not my style... and i stayed up late the previous nite to check the whole route loh... ppl sleep liao but i still fliping the directory to get the best route.. but in the end nv use at all... juz kept on driving straight.. in the end when i see the road sign show johor... i was so scared loh... wat if i drive to the checkpt there? but the only direction i get is "go straight go straight"... furthermore, it's not easy to drive that little manual van loh... the speedometer is spoilt... i dun even know wat speed i'm going... but luckily we finally reached back hall safely... but by then when i'm back... i'm really tired... i dun want to make any call... i muz say something here... let it out... so that i will feel better... I HATE TO CALL ANY UNKNOWN PEOPLE... (PPL I DUNNO!) that's why i always try to siam from making calls for xqrj marketing.. unless it's really cannot be avoided.. that's the same even for JamX... that's why it's hard for me to call for potential judges... it always take me so much .. to prepare myself for the calls... i muz admit that's wrong of me to be like that... that i shld be responsible for watever that i'm required to do... but making calls is really something i hate to do... i dun mind doing other stuff... watever stuff u want me to do also can... but dun make me make calls...
kk, back to yesterday.... so after the drive went back to JCRC room... suppose to make call but i really cant do it... coz i'm in a really foul mood... no mood to call anyone at all... i cant force myself to speak in those nice nice voice... so i juz sit ard... then liyan say " if u dont want to make call then u go back to ur room to sleep.. dont sit ard doing nothing.. that doesnt help." that hurt me alot loh.... IT HURTS!... it's not that i want to sit ard doing nothing.. but i really not in the mood to force myself to speak so nicely to ppl anymore.... and i have no idea of wat exactly is the point of me calling... i was so pissed that i did exactly wat she suggested... went back to my room and sleep loh... curl up in my bed... and forced myself to sleep... dun care abt anything else le... even when kim kheng called ask me go tea i juz 'em em em' and then say i dun want to eat... i know there is a photoshot.. but i dun want to go at all loh... i want to sleep through it... then liyan called say they taking photo liao... want me to go down immediately... no choice then i pulled myself up and went over loh... then halfway she called again and tell me that they starting already want me to run over... i already told her i'm walking over liao loh... but she juz kept on 'chui'ing me... got so pissed that i juz hung up her phone... when i reach, juz nice make it into the photoshot... though i smiled for the photos... (i'm so fake) but after that i cant force myself to continue loh... then ppl started asking me if i'm alrite.. then i forced myself to smile and reply "oh.. i'm fine" which is not true... coz i'm really upset... the prelims finish very early.. so we went to SCRC room for debrief... din want to tok to anyone so i juz sat at a corner alone... hoping that no one will notice me... when ppl came close i juz pretend that nothing's wrong... but i guess my face show something's wrong.. coz i juz sat there stoning... so after the pizza session i juz walk back to my room loh... on the way back i began to cry... actually cried a bit in SCRC room liao.. but i quickly rub away before anyone notice it... i dun want anyone to know... then on the way back i really cannot take it le... juz began to let tears slip down... finally reached my room and let myself into the room... then i sat beside the door and continue crying... again i'm kind of curled into a ball... juz realise this.. whenever i'm feeling low or wat.. i'll juz curl into a ball.... when i was crying i actually wanted to hide below the table.. but under my table got lots of stuff... so i cant... another thing i realise... when i'm sad or wat, i'll try to hide under something... hide ppl... so that ppl cant see me... kind of like in my own world like that...
hmmm.. juz sat on the floor and cry and cry... then kim kheng came and saw me... she sat down also and tok to me... then she say she admire me for been able to manage my time so well, like superwoman like that... but she din know being a superwoman is something that i dun want to be rite from the start.. i felt that a lot of times it's as though i'm being forced by the situation to take charge of the many things.. but i would rather be a 小女人 and dunno abt everything...
i really envy lokman they all... so carefree... nothing to restrict them at all... well back to me and kim kheng in the roon.. i know she dunno how to 安慰 me so to stop her from worrying, i suggest that we go make 汤圆 for xqrj ppl... forced myself to pretend that everything is fine.. and began to make the 汤圆 dough from the powder... then my head called to say they going to collect the duck rice.. i dont want to drive them so i ask them to get jack to drive instead... then after they collected the duck rice... i agreed to drive them to sembawang to return th equipment... think the drive make me cheer up a bit... coz i had to talk to ppl... finally got to the place.. then found that the place got lots of band room with ppl practicing... meet the incharge.. a very funny guy.. hahahaha... he actually tot me and liyan were sister... hahaha.. then after my head finish toking to him then i 'charp' in and ask him if he's interested to be judge for JamX... but then he say his standard not so good.. so i ask him if he got anyone to introduce.. hahaha. then he gave me a telephone no to look for eddie.. someone he said is the best guitarist in singapore.. but he say eddie may charge lah... so i alos not sure if can get or not... but nvm, at least i got the hp no... will try calling... hopefully the person will agree...
went back to hall to eat 汤圆and dinner... then make up with liyan... coz i felt my reaction was really kind of spoilt... actually i also dunno why i cried... i juz feel so sad and piss and.... juz not feeling good at all... but it's not liyan's fault... so the way i treat her is wrong...
anyway, yesterday nite came home and eat my mom's 汤圆... think it's so much nicer than the one i make... then today in a tired tired mood.. so i din go back hall...suppose to one.. but i juz cannot take it... decided to rest at home... juz felt that there's no way i'm going to make any calls... i'm so sick of it...
hmmm... finally finish my whiny post le... complain finish le... shall tok abt other stuff...
hahhaa... yesterday came home a found 3 xmas cards on my table.. hahahaa.. quite happy to receive xmas cards but then this yr i nv sent out any....=P well... so now i've got xmas cards from jasmine, yalai, huijuan and chuanyang... hhahahaa... quite surpise to get chuanyang's xmas card... very cute one... but anyway, juz a big thank you to ppl who sent me xmas card!~ thank you thank you.... know i very bad nv sent any to other ppl but then merry xmas to everyone k!!!~ and ppl take care... haven got chance to see a lot of my friends during this hols.. but then i want to let u all know i miss u all a lot!!~ u all had been really good friends... and i hope to see u all more often... :)
// posted by giam @ 5:14 PM 
