Thursday, January 06, 2005
i dunno how to describe my feelings for today... went to visit my po po then went town to buy present for liyan then went watch movie before coming back to hall... really got this mixed feeling within me throughout the day...
first was visit to po po's hse... went to visit po po bcoz she had a fall, then muz go visit... i have to admit that i always dislike going to po po's hse coz i had this feeling that i'm very out of place in that hse... coz of many stuff that happen before... but then when i heard abt po po's fall i immediately know that i have to visit her... juz so worried abt her... coz she hasnt been very well this few years... my dad always complain that i dun go visit my grandparents at all... but then this time i automatically ask my mom to go... and i finally understand wat my dad means... i really shld have gone more... to make my grandparents happy...
when i arrived at po po's hse today, gong gong was so happy to see me... that makes me feel bad... for not going often enough... and only appearing when something happen... then i was walking to po po's room where she's resting... at first i tot that no one's inside... as i could only see the blanket on the bed... then when i went in i saw po po lying on the bed... then suddenly did i realise how frail and fragile po po is... i never really take notice that po po is so small size.. that i cant even see her on the bed from outside the door... feel really guilty... that i haven been caring towards my grandparents... then po po was so happy to see me also... so i juz hold on to her hands and dont let go...
then the next thing that make me feel bad is that i couldn't understand my grandparents' language coz they were speaking in hainanese and i know none.... eventhough i could understand some very simple words... most of the time i cant understand wat my grandparents are toking abt and had to rely on my mom to translate... feel bad coz i couldnt reply my grandparents personally... i cant even speak to them at all... coz they dun understand chinese also... i guess that's really very bei1 ai1 that i know nothing abt my own heritage... and to think that i'm so good in chinese but of no use... i cant even communicate with my own grandparents... all i could do is to smile and nod my head... it's really upseting..
throughout my visit i juz hold on to po po's hand... not daring to let it go... i really felt that i've not done enough for my part as a grandchild to them... and it's so wrong of me... really felt so sad... and then throughout i can see po po's eyes had a teary teary look... i'm really not sure if it's bcoz her eyes's not good or is it bcoz there something bothering her... somehow i felt that it's the later... and when there's no one around, she will have this slight frown on her head... and i felt really sad coz me being the one beside her cant cheer her up bcoz i dunno how to speak the language... i really felt like hugging her and tell her po po ni kuai kuai hao... but i cant... i scared it would make her pain... coz she's juz so fragile... at some point of time i really felt like crying but i know i cant.. coz my grandparents will want to see ppl around them being happy...
then reach the time when i'm suppose to go meet jie mei and buy liyan's present... so no choice i had to let go of po po's hand and leave... but my heart still doesnt feel good after leaving.. was on my mom's car then jie mei called to say he will be late... seriously then i dunno wat to reply... not that i'm angry with him or anything.. but maybe bcoz of the mood then... almost dunno wat i shld say... so juz gave a muffled reply.. at that point of time i almost felt a hate for myself... why am i always early? why cant i juz be late always and let ppl wait for me... it's not really a very nice feeling to always wait for ppl... but i juz cant help myself to plan to reach early and wait.. lucky that now i'm picking up the skill of being late... i'm juz tired of leaving on my scheduled time reaching the place so early and wait...
anyway, was waiting in the mrt station then two person approached me and want me to do charity but spending $5... or more... told that person that i'm black hearted already but he juz keep on asking and asking.. then while he's toking to me then he keep on using his hand to touch my arms... got really irritated by it... ask him to stop he also dun want... wat's his big f***ing problem??? lucky the mrt staff came over and ask him to leave... but then he say i hai4 him got chase out.. then before he left he still say i no tong qing xin...
fine..... i'm juz a lousy person who wont even help in charity... black hearted.. not caring... i'm nothing.... got really pissed... but again, lucky jie mei finally reached... dun have to wait anymore... then we went to far east coz i dunno where to get liyan's gift and jie mei want to go there to exchange something... toking abt liyan's present... was really in mixed feeling then... since it's liyan's birthday, i should be happy for her... and my mom always say when u are buying anything for anyone, u muz be in good mood... so then i pick up my mood.. and make myself cheer up... coz i'm buying a present for my best friend... well, my mood really got much better when we were in far east looking for her present... but then after we got her a really nice top, but couldnt find a nice bottom to go with it... my mood go downslope again... i'm juz in a lost... dunno wat i shld get her... coz i juz cant find something nice at all... and the really nice one is too ex for me to afford... totally out of budget... so in the end got her a sweater instead... and seriously i wanted something better for liyan... coz i know how good she has been to me.. that she had tolerated me for all sorts of nonsense... being with me thru my up and down... especially supporting me thru the car accident... but in the end i juz couldnt get her the best stuff... mood wasnt that fantastic... but din show that in front of jie mei and dennis...
then they say go watch movie... so k loh... went with them in hope that my mood will get better... went to watch meet the fockers... it's suppose to be a really funny movie?? but i dun have those really from the bottom of my heart laugh... juz hahaha... and a few 配音... came out of the theatre having not much improvment to my mood... juz so so... the movie din even leave a deep enough impression on me...
then went to eat dinner... ate long johns... but stupidly even though i dun want upsize... i got a super large lemon tea...coz they say for lemon tea only got that size... guess the only lucky them is that i got the last chocolate pie... but even the chocolate pie dun really taste that good... finished dinner and then jie mei suggested going downstairs to shop... wasnt really in the condition to shop but went anyway... went to the guys section which i got nothing to see except sweaters and maybe some wallets... but think it's good enough... coz i also dun feel like walking abt much... after finishing walking in the guys section went down to the supermart level... went to check out some stuff coz i wanted to bake things... had been a really long time since i last bake anything for any ppl... but then isetan's supermart got a really lousy bakery section... dun have the exact stuff i want...
so after walking for nothing, it's time to leave... went to the mrt station then got on the wrong line... coz i really stupid..think i too long nv take mrt le... had been taking NEL always... then dunno the other mrt lines... end up stoning in the mrt train... dunno why i'm going back to hall also... dun feel like going back to hall anymore... i want to stay at home... dunno why lah... recently juz got funny moods.... think liyan's rite... too many things happen to me le... and i dunno how to react to them... juz hope i wont 缩 back into my lonely island... think that's not very healthy... hmmm... think that's it lah... i write too much le...
first was visit to po po's hse... went to visit po po bcoz she had a fall, then muz go visit... i have to admit that i always dislike going to po po's hse coz i had this feeling that i'm very out of place in that hse... coz of many stuff that happen before... but then when i heard abt po po's fall i immediately know that i have to visit her... juz so worried abt her... coz she hasnt been very well this few years... my dad always complain that i dun go visit my grandparents at all... but then this time i automatically ask my mom to go... and i finally understand wat my dad means... i really shld have gone more... to make my grandparents happy...
when i arrived at po po's hse today, gong gong was so happy to see me... that makes me feel bad... for not going often enough... and only appearing when something happen... then i was walking to po po's room where she's resting... at first i tot that no one's inside... as i could only see the blanket on the bed... then when i went in i saw po po lying on the bed... then suddenly did i realise how frail and fragile po po is... i never really take notice that po po is so small size.. that i cant even see her on the bed from outside the door... feel really guilty... that i haven been caring towards my grandparents... then po po was so happy to see me also... so i juz hold on to her hands and dont let go...
then the next thing that make me feel bad is that i couldn't understand my grandparents' language coz they were speaking in hainanese and i know none.... eventhough i could understand some very simple words... most of the time i cant understand wat my grandparents are toking abt and had to rely on my mom to translate... feel bad coz i couldnt reply my grandparents personally... i cant even speak to them at all... coz they dun understand chinese also... i guess that's really very bei1 ai1 that i know nothing abt my own heritage... and to think that i'm so good in chinese but of no use... i cant even communicate with my own grandparents... all i could do is to smile and nod my head... it's really upseting..
throughout my visit i juz hold on to po po's hand... not daring to let it go... i really felt that i've not done enough for my part as a grandchild to them... and it's so wrong of me... really felt so sad... and then throughout i can see po po's eyes had a teary teary look... i'm really not sure if it's bcoz her eyes's not good or is it bcoz there something bothering her... somehow i felt that it's the later... and when there's no one around, she will have this slight frown on her head... and i felt really sad coz me being the one beside her cant cheer her up bcoz i dunno how to speak the language... i really felt like hugging her and tell her po po ni kuai kuai hao... but i cant... i scared it would make her pain... coz she's juz so fragile... at some point of time i really felt like crying but i know i cant.. coz my grandparents will want to see ppl around them being happy...
then reach the time when i'm suppose to go meet jie mei and buy liyan's present... so no choice i had to let go of po po's hand and leave... but my heart still doesnt feel good after leaving.. was on my mom's car then jie mei called to say he will be late... seriously then i dunno wat to reply... not that i'm angry with him or anything.. but maybe bcoz of the mood then... almost dunno wat i shld say... so juz gave a muffled reply.. at that point of time i almost felt a hate for myself... why am i always early? why cant i juz be late always and let ppl wait for me... it's not really a very nice feeling to always wait for ppl... but i juz cant help myself to plan to reach early and wait.. lucky that now i'm picking up the skill of being late... i'm juz tired of leaving on my scheduled time reaching the place so early and wait...
anyway, was waiting in the mrt station then two person approached me and want me to do charity but spending $5... or more... told that person that i'm black hearted already but he juz keep on asking and asking.. then while he's toking to me then he keep on using his hand to touch my arms... got really irritated by it... ask him to stop he also dun want... wat's his big f***ing problem??? lucky the mrt staff came over and ask him to leave... but then he say i hai4 him got chase out.. then before he left he still say i no tong qing xin...
fine..... i'm juz a lousy person who wont even help in charity... black hearted.. not caring... i'm nothing.... got really pissed... but again, lucky jie mei finally reached... dun have to wait anymore... then we went to far east coz i dunno where to get liyan's gift and jie mei want to go there to exchange something... toking abt liyan's present... was really in mixed feeling then... since it's liyan's birthday, i should be happy for her... and my mom always say when u are buying anything for anyone, u muz be in good mood... so then i pick up my mood.. and make myself cheer up... coz i'm buying a present for my best friend... well, my mood really got much better when we were in far east looking for her present... but then after we got her a really nice top, but couldnt find a nice bottom to go with it... my mood go downslope again... i'm juz in a lost... dunno wat i shld get her... coz i juz cant find something nice at all... and the really nice one is too ex for me to afford... totally out of budget... so in the end got her a sweater instead... and seriously i wanted something better for liyan... coz i know how good she has been to me.. that she had tolerated me for all sorts of nonsense... being with me thru my up and down... especially supporting me thru the car accident... but in the end i juz couldnt get her the best stuff... mood wasnt that fantastic... but din show that in front of jie mei and dennis...
then they say go watch movie... so k loh... went with them in hope that my mood will get better... went to watch meet the fockers... it's suppose to be a really funny movie?? but i dun have those really from the bottom of my heart laugh... juz hahaha... and a few 配音... came out of the theatre having not much improvment to my mood... juz so so... the movie din even leave a deep enough impression on me...
then went to eat dinner... ate long johns... but stupidly even though i dun want upsize... i got a super large lemon tea...coz they say for lemon tea only got that size... guess the only lucky them is that i got the last chocolate pie... but even the chocolate pie dun really taste that good... finished dinner and then jie mei suggested going downstairs to shop... wasnt really in the condition to shop but went anyway... went to the guys section which i got nothing to see except sweaters and maybe some wallets... but think it's good enough... coz i also dun feel like walking abt much... after finishing walking in the guys section went down to the supermart level... went to check out some stuff coz i wanted to bake things... had been a really long time since i last bake anything for any ppl... but then isetan's supermart got a really lousy bakery section... dun have the exact stuff i want...
so after walking for nothing, it's time to leave... went to the mrt station then got on the wrong line... coz i really stupid..think i too long nv take mrt le... had been taking NEL always... then dunno the other mrt lines... end up stoning in the mrt train... dunno why i'm going back to hall also... dun feel like going back to hall anymore... i want to stay at home... dunno why lah... recently juz got funny moods.... think liyan's rite... too many things happen to me le... and i dunno how to react to them... juz hope i wont 缩 back into my lonely island... think that's not very healthy... hmmm... think that's it lah... i write too much le...
// posted by giam @ 10:44 PM 
