i d!= dream

hmmm.. think i'm more or less done with my template le... paiseh ppl that it's still so plain.. i really lazy to make more changes le... hahahhaa... tml is jamX finals le... still got quite a no of things i haven done... dunno why... i'm now very not organise... tsktsk... maybe is not enough sleep ba... now i'm suppose to be in my electrical engineering lec... but really dun feel like going.. so stay in hall and rot ba... later still got wonderkids... dun feel like going... i dun feel prepared for it... ahahahaa... ppl any advice to make me more enthu towards life?? hhahaha... k lah... shall go settle jamx stuff now...

hmmm.... think i shall repeat this again.. BRYAN HAN... I like U... hahahha... happy?? think that's wat u have been asking me to update in my blog... but seriously... i know u treat me as ur sister... hahaha... so reject me out straight ba... dun have to care for my feelings one loh... not as if i wont fren u anymore if u dun want me... in fact u will be doing me a favour by being more direct... u dun copy dennis so beat around the bush k... be DIRECT! hahahah...if u hurt me, it's even better... coz it's really quite tiring guessing... me lousy at probability.. i lazy to calculate wat's the chance of u accepting me in fact... so might as well make it into a big fat o!hahaha... think that it's the greatest thing that u can do for me already... hhahaha... bet the rest who will be reading this is already laughing at me for being so stupid already... well... can only say i really being consistant with wat i've said in jc... hahahah... if i like a person, i'll let that person knows... think i really did wat i say... juz wondering how come i'm not a guy? coz this kind of thing shld usually be done by guy but i'm doing it the other way round.. hahaha... me already reject someone bcoz of u le... dun feel like wasting anymore time... so let's chop chop... get it over and done with... reject me ba... hahahaha....
[think i'm really going insane liao... ]

XQRJ finally over le...was kind of sad over it... things juz pass too soon when u are beginning to enjoy it... k lah.. not as if i enjoy being so busy always.. but then it's really an unforgetable experience... imagine that 2wks after sch starts le i still like sch haven start yet.. everyday is juz filled with xqrj... and nothing else... hahahhaha... misses the days spent in x-room... now whenever i pass by and see that there's no one in it... juz got this shi luo gan... things are juz not the same anymore...
actually wanted to blog long b4 today one... but then juz got this feeling that holds me back... felt that life have yet to return to normal... if i juz write abt xqrj before now, probably... i'll juz cry in front of the com coz i cant bare it to be over... hahahaha... siaoz siaoz me... mths ago i cant wait for it to be over.. now it's over i want to repeat it again... siaoz me... let me recall the nite... or rather the last 2days... bunk in that day we foh ppl still quite slack... guess i overlook alot of stuff that shld have been done b4 that.. hahaha... din really know wat to expect for finals... then on finals that day then realise got so many things that i miss out... ahahahah... but thank god.. manage to keep the problems controlled...din realise on the day itself will be so chaotic... hahaha... i dunno wat time to close door.. coz ppl juz keep coming in... not easy to shut them out... then catering got prob.. they want to keep early.. even b4 my guest of honour arrive.. diaoz... i'll die if that happens... but lucky they still quite nice... waited till the goh come and go.. . then the goh also very li hai... suppose to wait for us invite him down... who knows after interval he juz straight away went down...i din even have time to lete the ppl inside know... but thank god i caught him at the door... and the photographers are really quick witted... thanks to all of u!!~ they invited the guests to take photos together.. and give the inside more time to prepare... finally the whole thing pass without much mishaps.. and we all went on stage to thank the audiences... got a really nice video of everyone of us... hugged everyone on stage.. hahaha.. i even get to shake hand with the winner... hahahaha....
the event juz pass like that... i juz hope that there can be a rewind of everything and let me watch it again in slow motion... hahahaha... coz i seem to have miss out on lots of stuff and let them juz happen and then pass by... oh... one happy thing... think xqrj comm going to have a couple soon!!! hahaha... all the best to ivan... hope u're successful and woo wen hui over!~ hahaha.. think the whole comm is enticipating it liao... =p

sianz... do this template thing for dunno how long le...
but then still cant get it to fit properly...
think i go sleep liao...
come back some other time to redo...
so ppl bare with it...
sorry...

i dunno how to describe my feelings for today... went to visit my po po then went town to buy present for liyan then went watch movie before coming back to hall... really got this mixed feeling within me throughout the day...
first was visit to po po's hse... went to visit po po bcoz she had a fall, then muz go visit... i have to admit that i always dislike going to po po's hse coz i had this feeling that i'm very out of place in that hse... coz of many stuff that happen before... but then when i heard abt po po's fall i immediately know that i have to visit her... juz so worried abt her... coz she hasnt been very well this few years... my dad always complain that i dun go visit my grandparents at all... but then this time i automatically ask my mom to go... and i finally understand wat my dad means... i really shld have gone more... to make my grandparents happy...
when i arrived at po po's hse today, gong gong was so happy to see me... that makes me feel bad... for not going often enough... and only appearing when something happen... then i was walking to po po's room where she's resting... at first i tot that no one's inside... as i could only see the blanket on the bed... then when i went in i saw po po lying on the bed... then suddenly did i realise how frail and fragile po po is... i never really take notice that po po is so small size.. that i cant even see her on the bed from outside the door... feel really guilty... that i haven been caring towards my grandparents... then po po was so happy to see me also... so i juz hold on to her hands and dont let go...
then the next thing that make me feel bad is that i couldn't understand my grandparents' language coz they were speaking in hainanese and i know none.... eventhough i could understand some very simple words... most of the time i cant understand wat my grandparents are toking abt and had to rely on my mom to translate... feel bad coz i couldnt reply my grandparents personally... i cant even speak to them at all... coz they dun understand chinese also... i guess that's really very bei1 ai1 that i know nothing abt my own heritage... and to think that i'm so good in chinese but of no use... i cant even communicate with my own grandparents... all i could do is to smile and nod my head... it's really upseting..
throughout my visit i juz hold on to po po's hand... not daring to let it go... i really felt that i've not done enough for my part as a grandchild to them... and it's so wrong of me... really felt so sad... and then throughout i can see po po's eyes had a teary teary look... i'm really not sure if it's bcoz her eyes's not good or is it bcoz there something bothering her... somehow i felt that it's the later... and when there's no one around, she will have this slight frown on her head... and i felt really sad coz me being the one beside her cant cheer her up bcoz i dunno how to speak the language... i really felt like hugging her and tell her po po ni kuai kuai hao... but i cant... i scared it would make her pain... coz she's juz so fragile... at some point of time i really felt like crying but i know i cant.. coz my grandparents will want to see ppl around them being happy...
then reach the time when i'm suppose to go meet jie mei and buy liyan's present... so no choice i had to let go of po po's hand and leave... but my heart still doesnt feel good after leaving.. was on my mom's car then jie mei called to say he will be late... seriously then i dunno wat to reply... not that i'm angry with him or anything.. but maybe bcoz of the mood then... almost dunno wat i shld say... so juz gave a muffled reply.. at that point of time i almost felt a hate for myself... why am i always early? why cant i juz be late always and let ppl wait for me... it's not really a very nice feeling to always wait for ppl... but i juz cant help myself to plan to reach early and wait.. lucky that now i'm picking up the skill of being late... i'm juz tired of leaving on my scheduled time reaching the place so early and wait...
anyway, was waiting in the mrt station then two person approached me and want me to do charity but spending $5... or more... told that person that i'm black hearted already but he juz keep on asking and asking.. then while he's toking to me then he keep on using his hand to touch my arms... got really irritated by it... ask him to stop he also dun want... wat's his big f***ing problem??? lucky the mrt staff came over and ask him to leave... but then he say i hai4 him got chase out.. then before he left he still say i no tong qing xin...
fine..... i'm juz a lousy person who wont even help in charity... black hearted.. not caring... i'm nothing.... got really pissed... but again, lucky jie mei finally reached... dun have to wait anymore... then we went to far east coz i dunno where to get liyan's gift and jie mei want to go there to exchange something... toking abt liyan's present... was really in mixed feeling then... since it's liyan's birthday, i should be happy for her... and my mom always say when u are buying anything for anyone, u muz be in good mood... so then i pick up my mood.. and make myself cheer up... coz i'm buying a present for my best friend... well, my mood really got much better when we were in far east looking for her present... but then after we got her a really nice top, but couldnt find a nice bottom to go with it... my mood go downslope again... i'm juz in a lost... dunno wat i shld get her... coz i juz cant find something nice at all... and the really nice one is too ex for me to afford... totally out of budget... so in the end got her a sweater instead... and seriously i wanted something better for liyan... coz i know how good she has been to me.. that she had tolerated me for all sorts of nonsense... being with me thru my up and down... especially supporting me thru the car accident... but in the end i juz couldnt get her the best stuff... mood wasnt that fantastic... but din show that in front of jie mei and dennis...
then they say go watch movie... so k loh... went with them in hope that my mood will get better... went to watch meet the fockers... it's suppose to be a really funny movie?? but i dun have those really from the bottom of my heart laugh... juz hahaha... and a few 配音... came out of the theatre having not much improvment to my mood... juz so so... the movie din even leave a deep enough impression on me...
then went to eat dinner... ate long johns... but stupidly even though i dun want upsize... i got a super large lemon tea...coz they say for lemon tea only got that size... guess the only lucky them is that i got the last chocolate pie... but even the chocolate pie dun really taste that good... finished dinner and then jie mei suggested going downstairs to shop... wasnt really in the condition to shop but went anyway... went to the guys section which i got nothing to see except sweaters and maybe some wallets... but think it's good enough... coz i also dun feel like walking abt much... after finishing walking in the guys section went down to the supermart level... went to check out some stuff coz i wanted to bake things... had been a really long time since i last bake anything for any ppl... but then isetan's supermart got a really lousy bakery section... dun have the exact stuff i want...
so after walking for nothing, it's time to leave... went to the mrt station then got on the wrong line... coz i really stupid..think i too long nv take mrt le... had been taking NEL always... then dunno the other mrt lines... end up stoning in the mrt train... dunno why i'm going back to hall also... dun feel like going back to hall anymore... i want to stay at home... dunno why lah... recently juz got funny moods.... think liyan's rite... too many things happen to me le... and i dunno how to react to them... juz hope i wont 缩 back into my lonely island... think that's not very healthy... hmmm... think that's it lah... i write too much le...

getting to feel the stress now... already new year liao but there's still so many stuff i need to settle... argh!!!! why is that sherly quek person not picking up my calls!!!!! want to go down UCC to tie her up and qn her liao... there's so many things i need to know but cannot confirm bcoz i cant get her!!!!! argh!!! but nvm... now at nite... shall take a break... hahahah...=p
got this henna on my left hand... cant wait to get it off my hand... i cant stand it anymore!!! argh....think i got prob... serious prob... i cannot stand having objects surrounding my hands.... hahahah... then today jiemei was saying next time i got bf how? hahaha... hold hands i dun like also rite? hahahah... but think it's different things lah... i dun like non living things on my hands... for example, towel, rubber band, plaster etc. etc... hahaha... but i like to hold ppl's hands... hahhaa... love holding my mom's hands!!~ hahaha... think is bcoz other ppl's hand got warmth then juz nice can warm my hands... coz i get cold hands really easily... heehee... like my mom got really warm hands... so i love holding her hands whenever we go walk walk... hahaha.. but then she will always complain why my hands so cold lah... then nag at me for not sleeping enough blah and blah and blah... hahaha.. then she will make me eat those bu ping... hhahhaha... so not bad lah... hold my mom's hands got special stuff.. heehee...
liyan's birthday is tml... still haven got her a present yet... hahaha.. but nvm, getting it tml!!~ heehee... but advance bday wishes to her first! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIYAN!~ U'RE MY EVER DEAREST LAO DOU... sorry that i make u pissed the other time... but i'll try not to k? hehee... take care and have lots of fun on ur special day... =)

hmmm... quite sianz to blog recently... suppose to do something to my blog layout so that it wont look so 男人.. but then very difficult leh... me really too lazy le... =p
but got one song up lah... beyond's 喜欢你... but it's in cantonese version... maybe shld go search for the chinese version... hahaha... like that song since i watched a chinese movie think when i'm in secondary or wat... that show got 舒琪 acting... inside she's a cop but in love with a 黑社会大老大... everytime she will watch and listen to the 老大 singing this song and it's as though he's singing it to her... in the end the 老大被人砍死... and the background music is this song... the ger nv knew wat happen to the 老大 and continue to wait for him.. like this show a lot... coz i like the actors in it... and the whole movie is very nice... but too bad i forgot the name of the show liao... all i can remember very clearly is the song that kept on 播ing.... juz like that song a lot...was so glad when i found that song is in one of my brother's cd... hahaha... for a period i juz kept on listening to the same song over and over again... juz put it on repeat mode... ahahhaa... 奇怪 me... hhahaahha

hmmm... suddenly tot of jamX going to have old clothes collection... now that ppl have donated their clothes to the tsunami disaster victims... will we still have clothes to collect? hmmm....

think i'm really detached from the real world... haven been reading newspaper, haven been watching news... there's so many things happening and i haven no idea at all... ok, i know abt the tsunami disaster... but i have no idea exactly how big the damage are... so many things happen but i'm juz so ignorant abt it... felt that i'm really a wood block.. feel nothing abt wat happen.. like i got nothing to do with it at all.. when actually wat happen had deeply affected our lives... think that's so disgustingly horrible of me... i shld care more abt wat happen to the ppl ard me... be more passionate... rather than pretending nothing had happen... looking ard me i felt that many of my friends are so concern abt this disaster even though they are also busy with work and stuff.. this make me feel really bad... am i really such a unpassionate being?? even if i'm unfeeling for other things.. i felt that i shld changed...guess today i made that change... i prayed for the unfortunate ppl and thanked god that ppl ard me aren't affected by this disaster in my first prayer of the day... then i watch the news to find out what had happen, both the good and the bad news... and i found out that now even watching the news will bring tears to ppl eyes... i was upset that so many ppl had been dead or missing but touched that many ppl had put in effort to help those affected most in the disaster... hope i can do more in the next few days.. shld really try to go down and help out...