i d!= dream

喜欢到底怎么说
你用微笑来问我
假如你要靠近我
别让空气太沉默
幸福到底怎么说
你用心角来问我
假如你要珍惜说
说出来温暖的多
真心话要勇敢说
属于你的要把握
我想听你说
好不好 笑一笑
拉近你和我
贴心话要开口说
属于你的别错过
只要你肯说
我愿意 很愿意
未来岁月一起过

hahaha.. this's the song that i almost had to sing if i join zaobao choir... but then too bad lah.. too busy so cant join... =P

我离开你好吗
你眼睛睁得好大
我又不是第一次这样说话
讨厌你那么小心那么伟大
算了吧
我背叛你了吗
我不管你的想法
虽没追问没关心但令我窒息
我只想深深地深深地呼吸冷的风
多轻松
你不懂我不同
我不要爱得太沉重
现在离开你让我想念你的笑容
你不懂我不同
我只要快乐就足够
放开你的手让我们自由(走)

interesting song i found online... quite nice also... think it's the title that caught my eyes.. hahaha... anyway, i changed the lyrics a little... =P

guess my posts recently has been too dark for some... dun worry ppl... i'll force myself to be cheerful... and keep it that way for as long as possible...
it's really great to have friend as ur neighbour in hall... keeps u happy always... so juz want to say, thanks weijun!~ love u lots! thanks for everything... u're my light when every other things is grey.. hahaha.. sounds weird but i dun care... hahaha... remember our promise for the plans in dec!~ =)

i felt like an unwanted kid...
or maybe i'm really an unwanted child...
no... i am an unwanted child...
this explains it... totally...
no wonder i had to live in hall...
coz my presence is not needed at home...
i'm sad... very sad...
juz for this once...
i want to be irresponsible...
to give up everything...
and live in hell...
probably that'll be a better place than home....

i cant sleep...
i'm crying so hard that now i have puffy eyes...
i realise my heart hurts so badly that it's so pain...
and to add on is my headache...
now it's pain everywhere...
i tried comforting myself by patting my head...
i got a little calmer...
but got worse after my head started to think...
i realise that i try to stretch my heart so wide that when i let go,
it's painful... very painful...
i shld nv have tried to do that...
nv try to accomodate anyone...
especially ppl who are not worth it...
my friend...
dun say anything if u dun mean it...
dun bother to shi1 she3 any concern when u dun even care...
it makes things worst...
i rather take it as u dun have time to care then to know that u dun care...
coz it makes me feel even more hurt...
dun say u have a phobia to give...
coz i'll then realise u once had the ability to give...
but u were unwilling to give some to me...

i guess i'm probably too demanding...
i think i may be really sick in the head...
i realise if i'm sick in the head and also sick in the body...
then i'm totally sick...
i probably shldnt be going for class or doing anything at all...
but i cant...
coz it's juz the way of life...
and i'm suppose to live with it...
i'm totally not making any sense now with the things i say...
but i dun care...
coz i'm still crying and crying and crying...

Think it has been quite some time since i last fall down hard on solid ground...
i think i miss it...
I miss seeing my own blood...
weird but true...
i always like to see blood flowing out of me...
maybe i should juz try to fall down hard some day...
i need to feel the pain...
guess i really prove to myself that i'm not safe to me own self...
i like to torture myself...
i muz be sick in the head...
but i like it...
it may be a way i show me that i exist...

i feel insecure...
think i'm suffering mild depression... i cant keep my spirits up for long...
think it's really bad... especially since exams are coming...
i need to do so many things but my heart juz dun want to do them at all...
i need to push myself over this period...
i have to get over soon...
i hope everything will get better after this period...
make things simple, dun complicate them...
i need to constantly remind myself on that...
probably i need to keep my back on the wall constantly...
so that i will have to safe feeling...
ppl dun blame me if i refuse to get out of my hse...
i need to feel safe...

i wonder wat's the age that ppl shld start writing wills.... i thinking of writing one myself.... but realise i haven got much belongings to claim my own.... so wat's the point rite? probably i shld juz tell everyone how much i love them... well, i love my parents... thanks for bringing me onto this world... and i know at least my dad wants me to be happy always... coz i heard wat he said juz now on the trip home... i know he doesnt want me to be sad... then i love my brother... i know i haven been a very good sister bcoz i always fight with him over things and dun really listen to him when he ask me to do things... but he's always so nice... to cheer me up when he know i had a really bad day... he's juz such a good brother to brother to me... then there're my friends especially my st nicks and tj clique... i really love u all! u're the greatest... the best friends that i could ever wish for... u all are always there to support my decisions... no matter good or bad... even when i make stupid mistake u all keep me company and bear the consequences together... thanks so much.... and then of coz there's dear... i love u too... i'm always very stingy to say it to u but dun doubt me for not saying it... i'm really sorry that i always cant really help much at all... and that i din show as much support for u as u wanted me to be... sorry... maybe i'm too selfish that i always think of myself first... that's y i'm not a good gf...
guess that's all for now regarding the ppl i want to tell them i love them... if there's a chance probably there'll be more to be included in the list ba...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

today had been a weird day for me... i've been considering all sorts of suicide methods there are... probably i'm too depressed... i wonder how it would feel if i jump down from a building but realise that my flat is probably a little too low for a success suicide... then i wonder how it feel to have blood dripping out of ur body... as i realise there's actually a knife in my room, that time xqrj dunno who's knife leftover in my belongings, but too bad... it was too blunt... maybe next time sharpen it first... i think i maybe a saddist(correct spelling? my spelling sucks...) to myself... i realise i like to see my own blood... probably that's why i always like to go donate blood if possible... i like to see blood flowing out of myself... am i insane?
haiz... i dunno wat to type liao... think that's it le....

it's so hard to pretend i'm cheerful when i'm not...
it's so hard to make myself sound normal when it's cracked....
gosh...... i think i'm falling sick... keep on having this feeling that i want to vomit.... wonder wat's wrong...... body's getting the heaty feeling too...

I'm not going to put in effort since you are not putting in any too....

我干嘛跟自己过意不去....

i'm shutting my everything... F### myself so being so useless......

my cousin is a lucky ger...

i got so much i want to blog abt... but i dunno how to say them out... i want to bite my teeth together real hard but i cant.. coz i'm wearing retainers....
i can type so much stuff here but i cant even write something out for my essay... feel so useless... ppl already finish they essays but i still haven... i dun even know wat i shld copy from the sources...... lousy me.........
and it doesnt help that the song i'm listening to is so sad... and i have no intention at all to change it or stop it.....
realise somewhere of me muz be bleeding coz there's blood stained on my hand... and i cant even bothered to check wat's wrong........

空荡的街景
想找个人放感情
做这种决定
是寂寞与我为邻

我们的爱情
像你路过的风景
一直在进行
脚步却从来不会为我而停

给你的爱一直很安静
来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影
我却始终不能有姓名

你说爱像云
要自在飘浮才美丽
我终於相信
分手的理由有时候很动听

给你的爱一直很安静
我从一开始就下定决心
以为自己要的是曾经
却发现爱一定要有回音

给你的爱一直很安静
除了泪在我的脸上任性
原来缘份是用来说明
你突然不爱我这件事情

I'm very stressed now... think i may breakdown any moment.. i cant finish my essay which is due tml midnite.. coz i haven even finish reading my research and i think my research could be irrelevant... i cant even find a proper case study!!!!
and I'm Upset over i dunno wat... juz feel so alone now... i want to SCREAM! everything seem so crammed up in myself... maybe i shld go bang my head on the wall...
i'm stress and want to breakdown! i dun want to hand in my work tml! i cant finish everything in time! and i'm damned sad now.............................................. wth........

Can?

"Did you know that those who appear to be strong in heart, are real weak and most susceptible?"

"Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them?"

saw these two quotes while reading ppl's blog... like that person, i'm shocked... coz it's juz so true... it's being a long time since i've updated... but guessed there's nothing much to blog abt recently... and i'm too tired... my eyes get tired very easily from staring at the computer screen for juz a while... hmmm... dunno if i shld see doc for that... or maybe i'm losing my perfect eyesight... oh no...

i've actually got children's day gift! hahaha... from my mom... there's a reason to why my mom gave me two packets~ actually one is for bryan... but then bcoz he din come my hse, my mom say, i'll get his share.... hahaha....anyway, below will be some old pics i took with my phone but din upload to share... hahahah...

look!~ this my I beam... one of my module project... hahaha...
hahaha... my pathetic contribution to this project... to write down my teammates name and sort of "decorate" our beam...

hahaha... my pretty lecture mates... pls ignore the hand behind their head... i dun even know who's that... tsktkstks...

hmmm... cranes that bryan make for me as my bday gifts...

ok... here's a series of photos of bryan being silly while eating a pear and then trying to torture my bear... tsktkstksktsktsk.... =P