i d!= dream

finally told my family the car accident le... Thank God that they were very supportive... eventhough they got say me... but then they din scold me at all... instead they taught me so much things that i dunno... came to a conclusion that i'm really stupid!!! why din i call my dad immediately after the accident? end up i get bullied by the other driver... all my stupidity... now dunno if i'll still get to keep my lisence or not... but like my mom says, i shld be thankful that everyone is safe... coz like my brother says i wont be able to take the responsibility of all the 5 uni student's lifes, and if anything happen to them... i will feel guilty for the rest of my life...
hmmm... later juz go and get the things that dad wants... haiz.....

think my mood is now in all time low... dunno why... think i'm becoming a danger to myself...
juz today on my way home waiting at the bus stop outside school, i began staring at the flowing traffic and think that maybe i should juz walk into the middle of the road... well... this isnt the first time i had such tots... i wonder if there will be a day that i really do wat i think... wonder if it can be considered normal.. do other ppl have the same kind of tots? dun think so.. think i muz be kind of crazy liao... i'm a hazard to myself... how how how? tsktsktsk... haiz... still yet to tell mom and dad abt the accident... really have to do it tonight... i dun want to let them find out only after the letter is sent to my hse... but well, at least i told mom abt my results le... know she's dissapointed.. but then at least i told her le...
got the tot of jumping out of the window.. diaoz... think i really going crazy le... better find myself something to do... suppose to rest at home today and sleep.. but end up my aunt visit.. and i cant go sleep... but well, think the only good thing that i realise today is that my patience with kids is really getting better le.. my little cousin is such a nui***** but i manage to remind nice and gentle with her... no tot of beating her at all... but again.. it may be bcoz i'm too tired to be angry with her...

think this week quite a lot of events happen...
1st i know that i scored really badly for my exams... results of playing too much and not paying much attention to work during the sem... my own big fault...
2nd i met with an accident on the road... thank god no one's hurt... though i tot my right arm felt weird after the bang... haven let my parents know yet..think i'll be barred from driving again... but nvm... think it's all my own fault...
so in conclusion... the 2 big major things that happen this wk i both due to my own carelessness and playfulness... means that i shld now reflect on wat happen and avoid making the same mistakes.... but seriously after the accident... i dont feel like driving again anymore.... that day i forced myself to continue driving till we finish collecting the sponsored stuff... after that... i dont even feel like touching the van again anymore... tsktsk...
anyway... had jamX meeting today... still haven gotten the judges.... think i will go siao looking for more... really seriously considering asking the keith from lks again... eventhough he say he not qualified enough... but then no other choice liao... hahaha...
hmmm... today also met linjing... hahahah... he really very 搞笑... had some funny talks... think he really very hardworking... so early already start revising le... pei fu pei fu... i shld learn from him... study hard hard...
yl also msg me today again to ask me go out... but then i din reply... shld i reply to say i not free or shld i juz ignore it??? haiz... so ma fan...
haiyo... really tired now.. but then still cant sleep yet... haiz...

i am upset... by my results this time.. haiz... my CAP really CMI... is juz a mere 2.55... though i know i wont do well but then still quite upset lah... but i want to thank god that i din fail any of my module... really very thankful to god... that though i din do well... i still manage to have it above 2.0 so that i wont get a warning letter... hmmm... think my result is really crap loh... i actually scored best in the Chinese Heritage... got a B+... i tot i will get F for it loh... but it turn out to be my best subject... the rest all cannot be look at all... tsktsk... horrible... and i think there goes my 'dream' of going into civil... i only got a D+ for statics...gosh... but i deserve it lah... did only half the paper... to think i actually still pass it... shld be happy with it liao... haiz... lousy me with lousy result...
hmmm... shld adjust my thinking... it's not bad le... i pass everything and manage to scape thru... and i din put in effort this sem... so i shld consider myself to be lucky... i've played too much this sem... MY NEW YEAR RESOLUTION WILL BE TO STUDY HARD THRUOUT NEXT SEM AND ALL OTHER SEM... i will not 对不起自己 again...

argh!!!! i think i shld go knock my head on the wall... or get somebody to kick me.... itchy hand me... think last nite really blur blur... shldnt have reply to that msg... argh!!!!
now i think i make it seem as though he got chance... idiot me... tsktksk.... haiyo... why i so nice for wat? argh!!!! he dun want to sleep is his own business... why did i reply...
idiot... next time i die die wont reply le... watever msg blah and blah also dun reply... cannot be nice anymore.... tsk...

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I AM NOT A SUPERWOMAN....
Cried yesterday... dont want to cry one but cant help it... lack of sleep the previous nite... then early morning drove down to woodlands to collect products from sponsors... was relying on liyan to give me direction but she juz keep on telling me to go straight go straight... maybe she din know how scared i am... it's afterall the first time i drove so far without my dad supervising.. and i really dunno the road... in fact i wrote down the details on a piece of paper for liyan and ask her to follow the street directory but she din... she say what trust our 直觉.. but that's really not my style... and i stayed up late the previous nite to check the whole route loh... ppl sleep liao but i still fliping the directory to get the best route.. but in the end nv use at all... juz kept on driving straight.. in the end when i see the road sign show johor... i was so scared loh... wat if i drive to the checkpt there? but the only direction i get is "go straight go straight"... furthermore, it's not easy to drive that little manual van loh... the speedometer is spoilt... i dun even know wat speed i'm going... but luckily we finally reached back hall safely... but by then when i'm back... i'm really tired... i dun want to make any call... i muz say something here... let it out... so that i will feel better... I HATE TO CALL ANY UNKNOWN PEOPLE... (PPL I DUNNO!) that's why i always try to siam from making calls for xqrj marketing.. unless it's really cannot be avoided.. that's the same even for JamX... that's why it's hard for me to call for potential judges... it always take me so much .. to prepare myself for the calls... i muz admit that's wrong of me to be like that... that i shld be responsible for watever that i'm required to do... but making calls is really something i hate to do... i dun mind doing other stuff... watever stuff u want me to do also can... but dun make me make calls...
kk, back to yesterday.... so after the drive went back to JCRC room... suppose to make call but i really cant do it... coz i'm in a really foul mood... no mood to call anyone at all... i cant force myself to speak in those nice nice voice... so i juz sit ard... then liyan say " if u dont want to make call then u go back to ur room to sleep.. dont sit ard doing nothing.. that doesnt help." that hurt me alot loh.... IT HURTS!... it's not that i want to sit ard doing nothing.. but i really not in the mood to force myself to speak so nicely to ppl anymore.... and i have no idea of wat exactly is the point of me calling... i was so pissed that i did exactly wat she suggested... went back to my room and sleep loh... curl up in my bed... and forced myself to sleep... dun care abt anything else le... even when kim kheng called ask me go tea i juz 'em em em' and then say i dun want to eat... i know there is a photoshot.. but i dun want to go at all loh... i want to sleep through it... then liyan called say they taking photo liao... want me to go down immediately... no choice then i pulled myself up and went over loh... then halfway she called again and tell me that they starting already want me to run over... i already told her i'm walking over liao loh... but she juz kept on 'chui'ing me... got so pissed that i juz hung up her phone... when i reach, juz nice make it into the photoshot... though i smiled for the photos... (i'm so fake) but after that i cant force myself to continue loh... then ppl started asking me if i'm alrite.. then i forced myself to smile and reply "oh.. i'm fine" which is not true... coz i'm really upset... the prelims finish very early.. so we went to SCRC room for debrief... din want to tok to anyone so i juz sat at a corner alone... hoping that no one will notice me... when ppl came close i juz pretend that nothing's wrong... but i guess my face show something's wrong.. coz i juz sat there stoning... so after the pizza session i juz walk back to my room loh... on the way back i began to cry... actually cried a bit in SCRC room liao.. but i quickly rub away before anyone notice it... i dun want anyone to know... then on the way back i really cannot take it le... juz began to let tears slip down... finally reached my room and let myself into the room... then i sat beside the door and continue crying... again i'm kind of curled into a ball... juz realise this.. whenever i'm feeling low or wat.. i'll juz curl into a ball.... when i was crying i actually wanted to hide below the table.. but under my table got lots of stuff... so i cant... another thing i realise... when i'm sad or wat, i'll try to hide under something... hide ppl... so that ppl cant see me... kind of like in my own world like that...
hmmm.. juz sat on the floor and cry and cry... then kim kheng came and saw me... she sat down also and tok to me... then she say she admire me for been able to manage my time so well, like superwoman like that... but she din know being a superwoman is something that i dun want to be rite from the start.. i felt that a lot of times it's as though i'm being forced by the situation to take charge of the many things.. but i would rather be a 小女人 and dunno abt everything...
i really envy lokman they all... so carefree... nothing to restrict them at all... well back to me and kim kheng in the roon.. i know she dunno how to 安慰 me so to stop her from worrying, i suggest that we go make 汤圆 for xqrj ppl... forced myself to pretend that everything is fine.. and began to make the 汤圆 dough from the powder... then my head called to say they going to collect the duck rice.. i dont want to drive them so i ask them to get jack to drive instead... then after they collected the duck rice... i agreed to drive them to sembawang to return th equipment... think the drive make me cheer up a bit... coz i had to talk to ppl... finally got to the place.. then found that the place got lots of band room with ppl practicing... meet the incharge.. a very funny guy.. hahahaha... he actually tot me and liyan were sister... hahaha.. then after my head finish toking to him then i 'charp' in and ask him if he's interested to be judge for JamX... but then he say his standard not so good.. so i ask him if he got anyone to introduce.. hahaha. then he gave me a telephone no to look for eddie.. someone he said is the best guitarist in singapore.. but he say eddie may charge lah... so i alos not sure if can get or not... but nvm, at least i got the hp no... will try calling... hopefully the person will agree...
went back to hall to eat 汤圆and dinner... then make up with liyan... coz i felt my reaction was really kind of spoilt... actually i also dunno why i cried... i juz feel so sad and piss and.... juz not feeling good at all... but it's not liyan's fault... so the way i treat her is wrong...
anyway, yesterday nite came home and eat my mom's 汤圆... think it's so much nicer than the one i make... then today in a tired tired mood.. so i din go back hall...suppose to one.. but i juz cannot take it... decided to rest at home... juz felt that there's no way i'm going to make any calls... i'm so sick of it...
hmmm... finally finish my whiny post le... complain finish le... shall tok abt other stuff...
hahhaa... yesterday came home a found 3 xmas cards on my table.. hahahaa.. quite happy to receive xmas cards but then this yr i nv sent out any....=P well... so now i've got xmas cards from jasmine, yalai, huijuan and chuanyang... hhahahaa... quite surpise to get chuanyang's xmas card... very cute one... but anyway, juz a big thank you to ppl who sent me xmas card!~ thank you thank you.... know i very bad nv sent any to other ppl but then merry xmas to everyone k!!!~ and ppl take care... haven got chance to see a lot of my friends during this hols.. but then i want to let u all know i miss u all a lot!!~ u all had been really good friends... and i hope to see u all more often... :)

*yawn* (mouth big big...) finally got home from POOH camp... slept from 1 to 8... but still sleeping... hahahah... who tell me dun sleep for the 2nd nite lah... hahaha.. but it was really terribly funny listening to xiqian and his gang crap... they really crappy sia... hahaha... shuyang told that really lousy but extremely funny 'ghost siew mai' story... hahaha... then they also talk abt stories from NS lah... but lucky i no need to go thru NS... so not so scared... hahahah... still quite mild... not the really very scary one.... heehee...
hmmm.. then faced the kids thru out the 2nd day... nv knew it could be so tiring loh... and i guess it's really the case that i dun mixed very well with kids... i can take care of them but i dun go into their world... think i'm the same with them...i have poor social skill... and it's so difficult to ensure their safety when they run around so much... then that nite was in charge of one of the station games... shouted at the kids when they juz cant be paying attention in the game and play the game properly... hahahaha... think when i really scared my partner... surpose to be me introducing the games to the children one.. then after one gp my partner take over from me... hahahaha... me fierce tigger... hahahaha... think by that time i really too tired liao... and the kids so noisy... cannot take it... hahahaha... dunno why but feel quite out of the gp leh... i dun mixed well... but that's usual stuff.. i always dun mixed well.. i'm a lousy 'socialist'... hate toking to ppl.. but i cant live without talking to ppl... wat a dellima...
hahaha... dad juz passed to me a cute bear handphone accessory... hahahaha... kk.. out of point... anyway, this camp was a cool down period for me ba... and i finally came to a decision... i shld not lead yl on anymore... was really happy that he was interested in me and want to do so much stuff for me... but then things wont work out between us... coz i seriously dun know him well.. and there is no point wasting both of our precious time...
reasons:
1. we dunno each other well.. last last sun was juz the 1st meeting after 7 long long yrs.. and i din interact much with him during the outing also.. so it's far to weird already...
2. he is from poly and dun really plan to go uni.. i hate to admit it but i have to admit it doest affect me a lot.. i dun have common topic to tok with him at all.. even when i ask him abt his course, i cant find stuff to tok abt anyway... and i cant seem to find anything to ask him abt... i need someone who i can tok to with common topics... not juz someone who is "willing to lend me a listening ear and will always be there for me" (that's quoting from his msg) ... i need something deeper than that..
3. he is the same age as me... i want someone older than me.. further more he's entering NS only next yr... there's going to be such a big gap... like when i finish uni then he will have juz get into uni(that's if he wants to) , then when i'm working he will be still studying.. i dun think i can take that...
haiya.. there's is juz far too much diff between me and him le... there's no way we are going to bridge that gap... even if there's ways, i dun wish to make any effort... i juz dun have the energy to do so... or rather i'm too lazy... i'm juz lazy to make all the adjustment for him lah.. y waste the time? and he seem to visualise the whole thing far too much into the future le... machiam i will marry him like that... no no no... that's is too qi guai le... i still want to 'play' around more b4 i settle down.... singlehood is fine with me...
k lah.. think that's it... shld go and sleep le... my 2nd round of sleeping...

hmmm.... got over the paranoid stage this morning... hahahaha... suddenly mood is better le...=p haahaha... maybe i finally knocked some sense to my head le... dun have to think so much lah... juz accept everything as it is... and enjoy it... hahahaha... i'm going to enjoy it then...

haahahaha...let me count my blessings... hahahaha... though a bit early but hope this can serve as a reminder lah... so whenever i read my blog again, then i can remind myself how good yl has been... and dun be so picky... =p
1. he asked my birthday.
hahahaha... the tot tat he actually checked out the day of my birthday(friday) is quite sweet of him lah... hahaha.. and the next tot of wanting to help me celebrate is nice too.. but too bad he shld be in camp then... hahahahhahaa...
2.he reminds me to eat my meals...
hahahaha.. after realising i skip my meals everynow and then when i live in hall, everyday he will sms me to eat... hahahaa...but this is only the first wk lah.. so hard to say.. hahahaha... maybe next time wont have liao...
3.he wants to make me soft toy.
hahahaha... unbelievable.. but then it's true... he knows how to make soft toy... hahahaa.. cio ga pengz... hahhaah... then i ask him if that means i'll have to make something for him in return.. hahaha.. he say no need... hahaha.. coz he says it shld be the guy who 宠 the ger... so gers no need to do anything... hahahaha... that's so good... means that i dont have to burnt my pocket to buy anything to make for him... hahahahahaa... =P
4.he's going to train himself to be a good househusband.
hahahaha... i read that really 笑到 pengz... hahahaha... coz i told him i was making cross stitch then he say i can be good housewife... hahahaha... then i say that's quite immpossible... hahahaha.. then he say he will train himself to be then... ahahahahahaa... so funny.. he's really a very cute person....
5.last and the most impt blessing i got: he respect my decision.
hahahaha... that nite when i kind of force him to say whether he really interested in me and i told him i need more time, he agreed.. and gave me a reasonable well said reply... so i'm quite happy with that lah... after proper thinking... i think it doesnt harm to be nice to him... hahaha... though he better ask me go out someday.. if not i'll forget how he look like soon.. hahahaha...

hahahah... anyway, juz got another sms from him... hahahaha.. i cant believe it... he's really terribly thoughtful... ask me if i felt irritated that he sms me everyday... hahahahah... i 没话说... he too nice le lah... i'll feel guilty... hahahaha...

hahahaha... i seriously wonder if it's the christmas songs that i'm listening to that make me so good mood... hahahahaha.... siaoz liao... downloading songs for the stupid party which the sponsor that liyan found is holding... hahahaha... think christmas really got very cheering effect... hahahaha... i going siao siaoz again... felt so blessed now... hahahahaha... =P

Miss Ya...

i wonder wat that really means.. how can anyone juz miss one person so easily? well... that's how yl end his every msg after i 'forced' him to give an answer... to tell the truth... i detest that... got goosebumps everytime i see that... maybe i juz cant stand anyone being so 'intimate'... or rather i dun miss him at all.. so everytime i see the msg that ends with 'miss ya'... gosh... i want to puke... i mean, how can someone juz miss somebody so easily???? oh pls... maybe if i see him more probably i'll miss him a little??? i dun miss anyone easily... think i only miss my family and some close ger friends that i haven seen for a long time... guys? dont think so... that's totally crap loh... seriously i wonder how can i leave such a deep impression after juz one meeting after 7 long long years.. gosh... i dont even remember clearly how the rest look le loh... hahahaha... i muz be really outstanding that outing.. so 'amazing' ah... maybe like wat liyan says, i'm the kind of person that can be sent out to represent ppl... hahahaha... no wonder in jamx i got to take care of the judges... then in xqrj got to be the house of front in charge... all have to interact with the vip blah and blah... hahaha... i macham like 夸ing myself like that... haiz.. dun think too much le... today 难得got chance to rest at home...

hmm... am i really happy? i looked really happy ah? last nite after the meeting and meetings... went to zouk to chiong... then receive confirmation of a shocking news... and i have no idea how to react to it... the person now seem to be giving me pressure to give him a reply... but i have no idea how... then when me and my friends went down to the dance floor to dance i juz cant find the rite mood at all... i cant feel high at all... in fact i dun feel like moving... juz feel like rotting in one corner... ppl tell me to stop thinking.. but how to? it's a confused mind... but i tried to pei he the crowd and started 'dancing' a bit... and 'smile' a lot also... but then it reached this song... and everyone was like singing, 'i was dying inside to hold u... couldnt believe wat i felt for u... dying inside, i was dying inside but i....' i think that make me break down a bit... coz i know i wasnt dying inside to hold yl... i wanted to hold someone else... the tot seem to be like the keylie song... hahahaahah... 'i juz cant get u out of my head...' maybe change the 'u' to 'it' will be better... coz it's a tot...felt lucky that my phone ran out of batt last nite... so i dun have to get more pressure.. hahahaha... so 'lucky' me... finally came back to sch, went to fong seng to eat supper with my friends then we walked back to the hall... felt like a zoombie... told liyan wat was in my mind but she doesnt seem to understand.. but it's ok... i dont understand myself either... wats the point? then after we bath (the same 3 of us) we went down to x room to watch lord of the rings... or rather they want to watch but i want to sleep... so after a while i juz fall asleep... guess i need the sleep to let my mind rest so that i will have more energy to think abt wat i'm suppose to reply in the morning... woke up in the morning and saw jiemei msg me telling he update his blog le... hahaha... i pei fu him... so 'early' le still cant write blog... i juz drop down to sleep like pig... went to read his blog then make me feel like writing mine... if i din remember wrongly, he say i'm beaming with happiness recently...... hahahaha... really? cant that be fake? well i also dunno... it's of coz a happy tot that someone is trying to woo u... but there juz seem to be so many unknowns... finally gave him a reply after i woke up... or rather he ask me again wat will i do after knowing that he wasnt kidding... told him that i dunno wat to do... maybe shld meet up more then decide... then i ask him the qn that rachel they all asked me.. 'wat do u see in me that make u interested?' hahahaha... so qiao... we had the same reply... 'i dunno' guess liking someone juz doesnt need a reason sometimes.... reminds me of a story abt a boy and a girl who were together and the ger always ask the boy wat he sees in her that make him loves her... but the boy would always say he dunno the reason and that would make the ger angry... then one day the ger met with an accident and remained in coma in the hospital... then the boy wrote to her a letter... ' i love u because u have lovely eyes... but u dun have them now, so i dun love u... i love u because u have a beautiful smile.. but u dun have them now, so i dun love u... ' he listed lots and lots of reasons, and the conclusion seem to be he dun love the ger anymore... but in the conclusion he wrote ' but i still love u because love juz doesnt have a reason.. it dont need a reason... ' hmm... maybe it's not really the exact words in the story but ard there lah... that's wat i remember... anyway, i've come to the the conclusion... abt jonathon... i really dun want to be in touch with him... i dunno why but suddenly i realise i dislike him... quite a strong dislike in fact... coz he msg me and i think that's him who miss call me today, i got kind of irritated seeing the name appearing... hahahaa... that seem to be the only confirmed decision that i can come up with rite now... y it cant be as clear cut for the other issues? tsktsk...hahaha.. think this time i really wrote one whole chunk of words... din even bother to make paragraghs... hahahhaah

喜欢就是喜欢， 不喜欢就是不喜欢。。。为何不可以喜欢是不喜欢， 不喜欢是喜欢？
maybe if life is like that i'll be happier...then i dont have to think so much... that i'll enjoy myself more...
hahahhaa.. lokman say's i've a love hate feeling... i dunno... maybe it's true... after the outing, think it open up too many possibilities for me to think abt leh... they ask me wat make me like the person.. i dunno... they ask me again, i still dunnoe... liking someone really needs a reason? crack my head but i still dunno...
they ask me aren't me sad tat ppl i like like someone else? i'm not... shld i be? am i suppose to be sad over that? why am i not? crack my head but i still dunno...
there's so many things they ask that i dunno why and have never tot abt b4... maybe tot b4 but i juz din think that it'll be impt..
but now that i think, maybe if all my like become dun like then my dun like become like then i wont be 痛苦at all... wat a 矛盾situation.. and i got no solution...
toking abt 痛苦, they ask me is i am... but i'm not.. dunno why.. juz not... but now think more abt it... maybe i am... maybe i had shifted it to one side so long that i forgot abt it.. maybe....
there's too many maybes... i need to shut down my soul again... it's wrong to power it with that little bit of fuel.. no more shld be given... then i'll be happier...
hmm... thinking abt shuting my soul... i'm really feeling happier abit le... hahahaha... maybe it's meant to be shut down eternally.. hahahhaha...

suppose to have write this yesterday after my clique gathering... but then it was too late so i went to sleep instead.. hahaha... but then now i'm in depressed mode.... so cant really write properly also... terribly depressed now... but anyway...

hahahah... rachel say i shldnt be too straight forward.. so she suggested that i start with the title when girl meet boy... but i dun think need to be so 婉约... might as well juz say straight lah... how to make a guy like a girls? hahahaha...no idea how to.. if not i would have break the curse rite? hahahaha... tok alot during our girls outing... make me think a lot also... so many things i haven tot abt...

oh shit man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! damn it................. think i too depress to write anymore... y suddenly like that?????????????????????????????????????????? i want to curese and swear le........i cant write on anymore.... no mood at all...